Kolyaaa's Deep Thoughts

I don't care what they tell you

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 05:01:49 GMT

Misletoe does not make a good soup. Now, I am unhappy

another zombie question

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 04:42:47 GMT

I understand that zombies eat brains. Do they find smart brains tasty? or do they prefer the lax yokel brain that hasn't been used to its full extent?

toast

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 04:27:42 GMT

I smell toast.

Socks

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 01:20:22 GMT

I am cold. I will put on some socks. I have not been wearing any since last mid-winter

Holly Jolly?

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 04:49:46 GMT

Today, an above ground dwellers told me to have a Holly Jolly Christmas. I did not know what he meant, so I punched him in the throat. This did not go over well with nearby observers.

Zombies

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 15:09:10 GMT

Could someone direct me to where an evil overlord might get their hands on some zombies? Not that I'm planning to do anything with the zombies...

Zombie Dream

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 02:27:23 GMT

I am not sure what to think of this. I am alarmed and a bit confused. One of my minions sent me this recollection of a dream she had dreamt while she was dreaming. Please read and feel my puzzlement:

So, Kolya, I had a very vivid and highly annoying dream about zombies last night (possibly because I caught the tail end of Shaun of the Dead on Comedy Central the other week...maybe because I was recently reading your journal) Let me share it with you in excruciating detail!

There were zombies! And Julie the Cow was there, and you too! I know! How awesome was this dream??

I was in what appeared to be a small town square and I was leading a small group of survivors (including, for some reason, Julie the Cow) who were going to hole up in a dead old lady's house, right on the square.

I get inside the house and immediately start looking for the best place to hide from the legions of the undead who are chasing us. And the best place I can come up with is...a front-room cupboard about the size of a TV cabinet, with some large drawers inside. I curl up in one of the drawers, trying to convince Julie the Cow and the others that this is an awesome hiding place. We end up taking the drawers out and all of us (maybe five or six people and one cow?) cram into the tiny cupboard.

Except I realize the dead old lady (probably since zombified) left all her lights on so I go running out of the cupboard to turn out all the lights in the house so the zombies can't find us. It was broad daylight, so I don't know why I bothered. In the kitchen, I find the old lady's dog (an Airedale, for some reason) chained up. I stop and pat it and give it some water. Then I look out the window...and see the zombies. They're arriving in army trucks and forming into ranks in the main street.

I yelp and drop flat on the floor to hide from the zombies. Unfortunately, the house's windows go all the way down to the floor too, so I'm totally exposed to the zombies. So I play dead. And the next thing you know, the zombies are crawling all over the house, rounding people up and herding them into the army truck (more like nazis than zombies, really...) And this when YOU appeared. You're standing over me in your army uniform, giving orders to the zombies. And they're pawing at me and poking my face, trying to figure out if I'm really dead. And I'm doing a terrible, flinchy job of playing dead, but it fools the zombies, because zombies are stupid.

So the zombies shuffle off and I jump up and run back to Julie and the others, but they're GONE! The cupboard is bare! I can hear Kolya ordering the zombies to cut off everybody's hands and then release them and force them to march back to their homes, handless. And everybody's homes were really far away, so it was even more depressing. Apparently the cow would go without the de-hooving.

I felt terrible for leaving them in such a crappy hiding place, except for Julie, because you seemed happy to have her back.

And then I heard the zombies coming back! So I ran into the back of the house and found a giant warehouse-style storeroom with a boarded-up back wall with light shining through the cracks. I peeked through and realized it led to a department store. I pulled on some of the boards and they swung open like a door. I jumped through, pulled them shut after me and realized the boards had a bolt to lock it safely behind me and keep the zombies out.

And then I felt REALLY bad about leaving the other people in a crappy cupboard right next to the front door, where there was a truly excellent hiding place right nearby.

So I started running around the abandoned department store, yanking hands off the mannequins so I could slip them to the prisoners, so the zombies would cut off the mannequin hands instead of the real ones.

And at that moment, I hear you yelling 'CUT!' And you're sitting in a director's chair with a little beret on your head, and your chair is on a crane being hoisted in the air, and suddenly I realize the entire thing is just a movie set.

Then I'm on the crane with you and we're swooping around and you're explaining that you've run out of money so they're canceling the movie. Bulldozers come in and start demolishing the buildings, which turn out to be fake canvas-and-wood fronts.

And I'm standing there and I'm PISSED, because I wanted to know how the movie ended.

And then I woke up.

Here ends the dream tale as told to me by the unnamed minion. Yes, I will spare her the disrespect of her peers and not reveal her name. But let it be said that this telling leaves me disturbed. Beret? What was she thinking??

Shafted again

Thu, 15 May 2008 02:39:14 GMT

I am filled with loathing for once again I have been shafted by the Starshine Stargate Swirly Thing Awards of Wonder for 2007 (?) The beauty of my stories has been ignored again. I suspect ballot tampering because how could my stories again be tossed aside? My stories (Stuck and The Next Event) are clearly the best stories ever written. They are plump full of explosions, gore, maiming, blood, monsters and death. Plus I threw in a cute cuddly kid and UNICORNS! How could that menu of wonders have failed?

I am beside myself with grief and pain, and have been unable to even speak until this moment.

I deserve many many awards. And yet, I have not received any recently. Why? WHY? How can there be such cruelty in this world?

I will again crawl into my bunker and sob myself to sleep. Julie soothes me. She is my only comfort in these dark days.

All Better

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 02:41:56 GMT

Yes yes, it has been some time since my last posting. Don't harsh my mellow by hollering at me! Yes, I just said 'harsh my mellow' and 'holler". I have been released from the casts and the splints that encased me and am now simply taking heavy medication. The intensity of the hallucinations have made the bunker an interesting place indeed. I have been told to 'cut back' on the 'meds', but I shall do as I please! Ha ha ha! But the purple monkey on the wall chides my decision. The swirly blue things are indifferent.

Now, you are probably beside yourself with grief from hearing so little of me in the past months. Let me tell you, it has been most unpleasant for me! Due to my debilitating run-in with a Greyhound, I have been unable to move with any ease. The fellow citizens of the bunker took advantage of the situation.

Julie, freshly rescued and (one would think) full of gratitude, took to the stepes to frolic with the yaks. When she wasn't cavorting, she totally took advantage of the 'spa' I had assembled to draw her back to my ~~clutches~~ lovely home. She has spent much time soaking in the beaver soup!

Doug, the cobra-mongoose hybrid has shacked up with Sydney the lizard. They are currently living in the frog pond out back.

Only Cindy, the dead and stuffed miniature horse, has been any comfort for me. I use her to hold my water glass and my prescription bottles. Oh, and my ass is sore and is hanging out back. Also the pink dragons have been flying about with greater intensity -- frustrating me. The blue swirly things blink at me.

It is difficult to tell my hallucinations from reality. I refuse to believe what I saw going on down by the frog pond as I hobbled past.

So, you ask, why did it take me so long to return to my journal. Well, it was darn hard to crawl out of my bunker to reach the Winnie! Julie had wanted to use the system 'in private' so I allowed her to set up the computer where she pleased. Unfortunately, it was in the Winnie, and I was soundly ensconced in the bunker. But now that I have to legs that will bend, that ladder will no longer be a hindrance to me! Ha ha ha! I am back!

Fear me! I am Kolyaaa! Now, I really need some snacks. I have a fierce cases of the munchies

My recovery continues

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 02:01:44 GMT

The wind continues to howl outside the bunker as I heal from my ordeal with the Greyhound (a bus! who knew?)

Soon, I shall be clomping around the barnyard, searching for chickens to strangle (it's dumplings night!). Entertain me with stories of your exciting adventures while I recuperate

My Beautiful Tale

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 06:06:31 GMT

My beautiful story has been completed. See it at my personal interweb page or go to the fantasy fiction interweb to partake of it there. In the meantime, I shall work to recover. Getting hit by a Greyhound bus is not 'fun'. I know. I have proof.

Work Continues

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 04:04:10 GMT

I continue to post my EPIC story. Read my story here at the fantasy fiction website or HERE at my interweb house. Read and enjoy and REVIEW. Seriously, I mean it about the reviews. I know many many ways to make your life uncomfortable.

I have to do something about those lizards and their damn spa

Work continues

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 03:55:35 GMT

I continue to post my story upon the interweb. It is certain to SWEEP the 2008 Starshine you Crazy Diamond of Writing Proweness Awards (to be held in October 2010)

Read my story here at the fantasy fiction website or HERE at my interweb house. Read and enjoy and REVIEW. Seriously, I mean it about the reviews. I know many many ways to make your life uncomfortable. You wouldn't want that to happen. Read about ME in detail at my interweb house. Enjoy and feel special that I have shared such intimate details about my life.

The Starweb of Awards and Bangles of Shining Stars for Interweb Best Stuff may finally have posted the nominations of the year 2007. I wait and seethe. I fear I shall be shafted again. I glower. I trust them not.

Pants wetting time

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 02:09:24 GMT

Come! it is time to meet your DOOM!

This is the best story ever written! It has intrigue, a mystery, suspense and the interlopers in the City of the Ancestors get toppled like ten-pins. You'll find smashed noses, dangling scientists, drugged out colonels, broken bones, vomiting blenders, plunging jumpers, broken glasses, bad reception, scary machinery, disappearing floors, SHARKS and an awful lot of water. Some toilets might back up too (not sure if I deleted that part or not). Bad things happen and nearly everyone gets broken, drowned, dislocated, bruised, sliced, dropped or maimed in some hideous way. You will love it. Go and review

Can you feel it?

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 00:09:35 GMT

You are feeling something, aren't you? Some strange emotion is niggling you at you, tearing at your soul. Something is coming.

Quick! Hide. You can't. You can't escape it. You know that it will soon be here, but you can't explain what it is, can't put your finger on it.

All around you, a hush falls, an awful silence that threatens to rend you to pieces. You know it will soon take over your existence, this thing -- this overwhelming event that is soon to wash over you. It will soon consume every moment of your day. Oh, but it is not easy to describe. You will cringe away from it, even as you will live for it. You will wait in breathless anticipation for the moment, and yet you will cover your face, hiding from it.

Something is coming. Something will soon be here.

What is that sensation that is overtaking you? It is fear
Why does your heart beat so quickly? Fear
Why did you wet your pants? Fear and lots of it
Why do you want to hide your head under your covers? FEAR of what I will bring you.
Why are you afraid? Because you know you will love it.

You want it.

Be afraid. Embrace the fear.

It is coming.

Still Nothing

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 22:36:30 GMT

Oh, and I have still heard NOTHING regarding my special nominations for the Stargate Ring of Awards for Special Writers and Readers Award for Specialness. They tell me that I am nominated, and yet I see no proof.

It's all a ploy to keep me from infiltrating their Award Arena.

New Year?

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 21:55:17 GMT

And how is this new year any different than the old? It confuses me, but the explosions during the night warmed my cold and bitter heart.

I have been busy -- so very busy. That special project has been on the back burner as I pursued my latest endeavor -- infiltrating the City of the Ancestors. Yes, I was within the city, disguised as a mere worker. I traveled throughout the city, doing such menial tasks as mopping floors, cleaning cobwebs, disposing of old dead plants (I flung them over the railing - ha ha ha ha ha!)

For over a month I have roamed the hallways of Atlantis and NO ONE stopped me.

I also peeled carrots, scrubbed walls, cleaned up various things in the medical bay, washed the washrooms, made beds, dusted, worked the laundry machines, delivered meals, vacuumed, scoured pots, and was on kitchen detail for several weeks.

I have been within their city and THEY NEVER KNEW!

Applaud my audacity!

I didn't want to say anything

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 02:42:39 GMT

Yes, way back in August, I received a mysterious notice from the folks who run the 'Starshine Get into the Gateship Special Extra Important Gate Awards.' I was certain that it was a heartfelt apology for my getting SHAFTED last year for not winning ANYTHING at the '2006 Big Starlight Gift of Giving Special Star Awards of Gatestars and Awards'. I was disappointed and then almost immediately, I felt vindicated. I actually read the notice and found that my works had been NOMINATED for 'Shine on you Crazy GateStar Award Ship Shiny Award -2007'! Have they really held the awards that often?

YES! Both "Stuck" and "The Next Event" were nominated! My minions had not failed me. I congratulate you for being wise enough to submit my stories for this incredible and unbelievable honor.

Thrilled, I ran about the bunker several times, flailing my hands and frightening the cobra/mongoose hybrids until I finally calmed enough to sit down at my computer writing system and access the interwebs. Thoughtfully I followed their instructions and placed my PERFECT and WONDERFUL stories into categories. Regrettably, there was no category for "Best Story Ever Written" or "Most Fabulous Use of a HORNED Beast and Carnage" or "Most Remarkable and Outstanding Original Character Ever Created by a Living Being" or "Most Incredible Writer who has ever BREATHED". I did the best I could with the options provided. Because, of course, wherever I placed the stories, they were bound to win.

I pushed the button when I was done to 'submit'. I KNOW I pushed the button. And now, I have waited and waited.

In disbelief, I realize that nothing has happened.

I have decided it was probably a scam. I knew I shouldn't have given those people my name and personal information! Now someone has STOLEN my identity and is using it to purchase pointless and ridiculous things such as food and pay for RENT! I loathe this person, whomever he or she may be.

Either that, or the 'Shiny Gate of Star Award for Best Writing EVER Award Show' has once again conned me. Why would they risk their lives in this matter? Do they not know whom they are dealing with? I am filled with a white hot anger. I seethe. And then weep that they would do this to me. And then I seethe again

I do not understand the obsession with turkeys

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 03:20:41 GMT

Turkeys are tasty, this I do not deny, but I do not understand the obession that a certain nation has with turkeys. They do not make good pets. They are loud and they poop everywhere. They are not beautiful to behold (like a cow). I do not understand how a complete holiday can be built around these ugly squabblers.

Also, I tried to go to my usual shopping mega market on Friday morning. I do my shopping usually before sunrise so that I can retain my air of mystic. I was run over by a herd of shopping carts and rabid humans. I suppose I should warn you all of a horrible disease running rampant, but it seems to have now died down.

I am confused.

Another inquiry

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 02:09:11 GMT

Another question that must be answered before I can go any further with my EPIC

Do you believe a noble cow would be capable of flying one of the gateships? What if said cow was injected with that special juice that the funny talking doctor created?

Another question

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 02:30:08 GMT

If one to remove (violently) a man's arms right from their sockets (much screaming and blood spurting to follow), would there be any of reattaching the limbs? Or would the simpleton be forced to go about with false arms and hooks for the rest of their lives?

another inquiry

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 20:55:09 GMT

Thank you for your previous assistance

I now need another way to say "gouge out his eye". I've used "poke", "stab", "squish" and "scoop" already

I am stumped

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 03:43:43 GMT

I am working with great vigor, attempting to finish my epic novel, but I have been temporarily stumped. What is another word for 'flesh wound'?

Work continues

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 19:29:22 GMT

The Winnebago has been located and returned to the compound. It took some time, and much effort on my part. Without a means of transportation, I was forced to walk for miles, searching for any sign of where those damn yaks had taken my lovely home on wheels. For days and days I searched, wearing through the soles of more than one pair of Genii issued military boots. My feet, they ached.

Finally, after nearly giving up on the endeavor, I found it in the pond behind the barn. Yaks can't drive. I hadn't considered this. They must have released the emergency brake and let it roll. Damn them. They returned, shame faced and sullen, so I hitched them up and let them pull the Winnie free from its watery hiding place. It took me the better part of a weekend to blow dry all those yaks after all was said and done.

The work continues on my latest project. It is backbreaking labor. You will encourage me now

I am still mighty

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 03:40:08 GMT

I am Kolyaaa, and I am still mighty! and, I am totally NOT dead, in case you were wondering.

My special project continues, but interruptions have not ceased. The yaks continue to wreck havoc about the barns and the environs. I do not understand what their problem is! First they kicked in the side of one of the outbuildings -- not the outhouse, but rather the hard cider shack, (I'm okay with that because I'd rather they knocked down the hard cider shack instead of the outhouse. I need the outhouse to remain in working order). After that they began behaving particularly chaotically. They have taken the Winnebago and have gone in search of 'naks' which I think it their way of saying 'female lady yak cows'.

Now, without the Winnie, I have no means of travel, thus no way of gaining paper products to feed the writing machine. I've broken my ass, so he will be laid up for a while and refused to bring me to town. Julie thinks it is beneath her to act as a beast of burden

My work has stalled. I am a forlorn (but MIGHTY) Genii